Some days I just don’t want to go to work, but too bad, I have to. Life is hard. It’s hard every single day. All you can do is accept it and try to find the positive. The secret to life is fucking deal with it. It’s so hard at first, especially if you’re near the bottom, you can barely make sense of why you’d want to do that. But every day you do it gets better. You just change your perspective, little by little, until you start to see as much good as you do bad. Maybe more. The negative stops being important.
I realised last night that even on my darkest days I still haven’t thought of ending my life, cutting, poisoning myself with alcohol in I don’t know how long. It just prolongs my agony, makes it easier to be negative. I’m so far from my own goals and maybe I put too much pressure on myself, but at least that pressure is now working to move me forward sometimes. I started late and my journey has been long, but I can see where I’m going even if I’m not there yet. It gets a little clearer every day. I feel a little less lost. Happier even.
You know what really worries me right now? My boss is in a meeting with our director. I’m pretty sure I’ll be next in there. I’m worried I won’t be able to keep my mouth shut. That I’m going to start swearing and talking shit because I’m so not happy with what I’ve been hearing people say about me. It’s weird that I can trash talk myself until I wish I was dead, but the second anyone says a bad word about me I will fucking cut them. I can hate me, I know what I’ve done, but fuck anyone else who thinks I’m not good enough. Who thinks that I should be a different person despite all I’ve been through. It’s weird how that voice is, as much as it’s the one destroying me, it’s also the one that kept me propped up by never letting another soul hurt me. It was created to protect me, to save me from myself, to save me from death, but in the end I made a monster. I made myself a monster.
I deleted my person IM accounts at work, and then changed my hosts file so that if I go to tumblr it redirects to google. It seems ridiculous, but then again, what’s ridiculous about making it easier for me to do what I know I want when I know I’m going to slide back?
Unfortunately I then had a panic attack for reasons I can’t fully understand. All that makes sense is the more I stand up for myself, the more I do what I know is right, the angrier and more desperate that voice in my head gets. Well too bad for him, he’s going to have to deal.
I couldn’t do it this morning. I just felt so tired, when I heard the rain outside I turned back over. I’ll go to the gym tomorrow when I don’t have to wake up at 6 to do it. It’s funny though, I can already feel the difference. I’ve become so much more aware of every up and down. I want to fully understand what makes me, the physical feeling me, happy. Working out definitely makes me more positive. I’ll definitely go tomorrow morning.
My mind is already trying to pull me back into the negativity. The critic looms over me always.
So I don’t seem to have a problem busting my ass all morning, but come lunch time I’m pretty god damn useless. I just can’t seem to focus or do anything. You know I thought that would go away when I stopped getting high before work, but apparently no. I just can’t take this place for more than 4 hours before my brain fucking hates me. I have to quit and find a real job. Or at least look.
*sigh*
Then again, thinking that way is going to fuck up everything. Stop freaking me out brain, there’s a plan now. A fucking plan. Deal with it.
Sometimes I realise I’m fighting for nothing. Not literally nothing, but… middle ground maybe. As in, if I don’t fight I’ll fall down, get depressed, feel like shit, but if I do fight then all I’m fighting for is to keep from falling. Not happiness or joy or even contentment. I’m fighting just to be numb because that’s all I can accomplish some days. Because no matter how much better I get that voice in my head has so much practice it can find loopholes in anything. It, just like me, had all the practice in the world at solving problems, at deconstruction, and all it wants is to stay alive. To hold onto itself so it can keep dictating my life. I know it’s not literally a sentient conscious thing inside me, but sometimes that’s how it feels. As if it runs the show and I’m still just a watcher, an observer. Seeing as I put myself in the worst positions, sometimes to prove I can and sometimes just to destroy myself. Bring me down so I don’t have the energy to fight anymore. So that all I want to do is lean back and say fuck it, I give up, I’ll never be better, never be good. And that’s what he wants. I’ll never hurt anyone again if I’m alone. I’ll hurt myself, hate myself, maybe even end up dead, but I’ll never hurt anyone, disappoint anyone, let anyone else down ever again.
I don’t want to say I’m having a hard time with this, cause it’s anything but, still it is weird. Not bad weird, just radically different. It’s… like I have a crush on someone. I want to see more of that person, know them better, support them and love them. Except that person is me. And yeah there’s a voice in the back of my head that’s telling me that’s the lamest fucking thing I’ve ever said. With worse language than mine. But fuck that dude, right? Why shouldn’t I love myself? Why should I not want to know myself better, care about myself, be there for myself? I mean, that is the true essense of being a man, no? To be able to handle anything? So why does throwing the word love in there suddenly make it a total clusterfuck? Why are we expected to deal with anything the world throws at us without feeling anything? It’s so counter productive. So pointless. Far less damage is caused, to myself and to the people around me that care about me, when I’m honest about who I am and what I’m feeling.
If anything I’m annoyed how simple it is. Yet that too is just the critic trying to stick it to me somehow. The concept is simple and always was simple, but reshaping my mind to accept it, that was the single hardest thing I’ve ever done in my life. To keep on a path I had absolutely no way of knowing would work, while being attacked from the inside, day after day, took everything I had.
In the end I’m proud of who I am and how I’m dealing with life now. I know I have a long way to go still, but I’m going to enjoy the ride while I get there.
My head kills and the guys are coming over in a couple of hours to play poker and watch UFC. I should have canceled the whole thing, but that’s me, I hate disappointing other people. Disappointing myself, that I never had a problem with. Fuck, I’m too tired to deal with my head right now. If anything it’s good they’re coming over. It’ll keep me from collapsing in on myself.
It’s funny how a sentence can trigger the most amazing revelations. Or how clear hindsight is. It’s ok though, because I realise that despite feeling completely lost I’ve been on the right path for a while now. I thought that I was repeating my mistakes, but I also remember thinking that I needed to fail. That I wanted to fail. I wanted to give my all, absolutely everything I had, and fail. Because until then I wouldn’t understand how much I had changed. Couldn’t fathom it. I knew that I was better, but I still believed the voice in my head was right. Stupid. Worthless. Child. I fell apart a long long time ago and I needed to know that I could go through the same thing, feel the same way, and get over it. Let go. I needed to lose the only things I wanted so I could finally accept that life goes on. It goes on. It was three years ago I let go of the idea of suicide, but it’s only now that I see how much going through the motions wasn’t living. I can forgive myself for that though, I needed time inside my shell to rebuild myself. I can even forgive myself for completely freaking out when I tried to step out of it and realised I’d lost what little social skills I had. I repeated my mistakes because I wanted to hit absolute bottom and understand even that wouldn’t stop me anymore. In a way that’s how I lived my entire life. Always pushing myself to the breaking point to see if I would. I didn’t this time. So now I have the patience to take things one step at a time because time no longer means anything to me. I’m already happy, now it’s just a matter of how much more interesting I choose to make my life.
I’ve been coding for a solid three hours. That might not seem like much, but it’s more than I’ve done in a long time at work. At some point in time I started to doubt myself, thought that I had lost my skills, and it became easier to get distracted constantly and avoid the work rather than deal with the critic telling me I’d fail. No one complained because the reality is I’m paid to answer questions, not to code. I’d long since moved up and proven myself enough for no one to even question me asking for more and more resources, but secretly I was terrified I couldn’t do it even if I tried. It weighed me down, the more I avoided, the more I believed I was useless. And the last two days that fear was still there, ripping into me, raising my blood pressure so high I couldn’t focus. I mean my god, yesterday I posted 30 some odd times during working hours. My mind was a wreck. But today I chose not to listen. Today I decided I wanted to know for sure because I was tired of worrying about what might be true. The second I put that fear and paranoia behind me everything became simple. It was like night became day in an instant. My mind started working things out faster than I could even type.
Things are going to change even faster than I expected.
