Some days I just don’t want to go to work, but too bad, I have to. Life is hard. It’s hard every single day. All you can do is accept it and try to find the positive. The secret to life is fucking deal with it. It’s so hard at first, especially if you’re near the bottom, you can barely make sense of why you’d want to do that. But every day you do it gets better. You just change your perspective, little by little, until you start to see as much good as you do bad. Maybe more. The negative stops being important.
I realised last night that even on my darkest days I still haven’t thought of ending my life, cutting, poisoning myself with alcohol in I don’t know how long. It just prolongs my agony, makes it easier to be negative. I’m so far from my own goals and maybe I put too much pressure on myself, but at least that pressure is now working to move me forward sometimes. I started late and my journey has been long, but I can see where I’m going even if I’m not there yet. It gets a little clearer every day. I feel a little less lost. Happier even.
I have no focus today, that’s not a good sign. I should have come to work yesterday to get my shit setup for the week again. Or maybe I could stop telling myself everything I haven’t done and try to be positive and see what happens…
What ever happened to having a sense of humour? Of realising I’m not that kind of guy and never have been. I keep wanting to think there must be more to you, that deep down the sweet girl I used to know must exist somewhere. But then I think of what you say and how you act and all I can see is a person that hates me. Someone who’s only goal is to gleam whatever information she can just to throw it in my face. You enjoy finding fault in me so you can drag me down, destroy my ego, make me only see the negative again. You’re literally me again, and why do I need another voice in my head making me feel like shit? Still, unlike you I can admit I have trouble with letting go, I can still remember loving you so much that all I wanted was to be there for you, support you, take care of you. You never wanted that though, you still don’t, you just react with more negativity. I keep trying to accept that, to move on, but it’s slow going. Knowing you’re always around, knowing you’ll never leave, again and again I make the mistake of thinking you actually care. That you would be there for me even though you never were in the first place. So when you push me too far I treat you like shit, I hate on you cause I don’t care anymore how you feel, don’t care if you get hurt or hate me. I want you to be gone, out of my life forever, but I always forget you’re just as used to being treated badly as I am. We’re stuck in the same pattern. I hope I can figure out a way to end it one day.
