The Art of Emptiness
friend: just because she wasn't a good mom doesn't mean she doesn't love you
me: so if you're in a relationship with someone who loves you, but that person also abuses you without any remorse, you should stay with them?

I haven’t spoken to my mother in over 13 months. For god knows what reason I decided to browse her facebook since despite being “friends”, I’ve blocked her from my news feed. Not only does she post the most meaningless shit but the few pictures I saw of her just made me feel like she’s a stranger. Like, I know her, but there’s no attachment there for me anymore, she’s like an old roommate you never talk to anymore. She let me down and betrayed me my entire life, she made the choice to distance herself from me a year ago, and I just don’t feel anything for her anymore. Some part of me thinks that I should, that I should feel sad that I’ve lost the only mother I’ll ever have, but she just wasn’t a mother to me and I can’t force attachment that was never there in the first place.

I know a lot of women like to say that you can judge a man by how he treats his mother, but I think that’s so unfair because it says nothing about how his mother may have treated him. I’ve always been totally respectful of my mother, is it my fault she never showed me the same? That she has no clue what being a mother is? Is it my fault she’d rather let fly ultimatums like some spoiled child instead of growing the hell up and acting like a responsible parent? Am I really that bad a son when by all rights the person she helped turn me into wants so badly to rip into her and tell her what a cold and useless bitch she really is? Instead I choose to keep my mouth closed, to let her go her own way. I’m sorry, but I won’t make an effort for someone who never made an effort to show me love or protect me. I won’t make an effort for someone who only has negativity and disappointment to hand me every time I talk to her.

Yes, maybe if I told her how horrible a mother she was, if I showed her how much hurt she caused me, maybe she’d learn to change, to grow, but I just don’t have that kindness in me anymore. It’s so hard for me to reach out, to trust people, I’d rather focus on the few people who’ve actually shown me love and compassion. Maybe that’s not the high road, maybe that’s not the right thing, but I took the high road with her for years and it got me nowhere. At some point you just have to cash in your chips and call it quits.

Just e-mailed my mother a happy birthday. Yeah, e-mailed. She started it. Sending me one for my birthday. I guess it’s too hard for her to call me. Honestly it took so much will not to add more than just happy birthday. Something along the lines of, thanks for being a shitty mother who isn’t worth holding onto. Ugh.

I wonder sometimes just how far back it goes. During pregnancy my mother started producing specific hormones that she was allergic to. For 9 months I made her uncomfortable and unhappy. I have to wonder if it stuck with me. Is it possible that even unborn I felt unloved, unwanted, troublesome? Could that explain why it’s so god damn terrifying to ever let anyone close to me. Why no matter how much better I get, no matter how much I know in my head what I want, I just can’t get my heart to calm down, to understand, to choose to care? Does it even matter though? Am I just focusing on something else, trying to shift the blame so I don’t have to accept and deal with my issues? Forever trying to find that absolute explanation for why I’m broken so that I can just give up and believe I’ll never be better? I don’t want to be that person anymore. It’s hard not to think of myself as broken, but there isn’t a damn thing in this world I haven’t been able to fix when I put my mind to it. This might be the scariest, hardest thing to fix for me, but I can do it. I can love again. I know I can, know that I already am, I’m just so afraid to admit it to myself.

So volleyball girl messaged me to say she met some guy on vacation and it wouldn’t be fair of her to see me again. I didn’t really care, so I just wrote back that I appreciated her telling me and good luck with her guy. I meant it. But then I started to feel kinda terrible. I realised I felt rejected even though logically who gives a shit? Still I figured this was exactly the kind of emotional place I’m so terrible at. I always try to make things black and white but emotions seldom are. Yes there’s no reason to care, but if I do care, then I might as well let it play out so I can feel better. Forcing myself to not care just causes me all sorts of problems down the line.

And just as this was starting to make sense and I was feeling better, my mom called me, bored me to tears with her stories about her job and how she doesn’t want to win an award because then she’d have to give a speech while simultaneously bitching she wants to get paid more… *facepalm*. Then precedes to guilt me about not calling her and letting her know I’m alive (at my age, seriously?), despite my telling her over and over and over again I never fucking call anyone cause I have serious issues with initiating. It’s not like I don’t answer the phone every time she calls. Why the fuck make me feel worse? She’s such an ungrateful bitch and she’s been this way my entire life. Nothing was ever good enough for either of them.