If I think about all the things I’ve done in the last year that I could never do before I’d have to admit I’m really not the same person at all, that I’ve evolved considerably. Yet I still feel like a miserable loser most of the time. My brain still relentlessly reminds me of all the things I still haven’t done, haven’t accomplished, haven’t succeeded at. 90% of the day I’m worried about the negative. So much so that when I actually break through and tell myself things are going to be ok all I can do is be sad. Sad at how fucked I am, how much time I’ve lost, that I will never be as good as I could have been. And all I can do is try my best not to get frustrated with myself, cause I’ll just end up mad, and angry, and take even that little positivity away from myself.
I’m getting excited again to work for myself. I keep going between that and being terrified I’m making a mistake. I just have to keep reminding myself it’s just money, there’s so many ways to make more money if I have to. The only thing that’s important is taking control of my future. To go back to my roots, to research and develop, to expand my knowledge.
It’s bad enough that when I they won’t let me do things myself I have to wait forever, but how come even when I can do it myself, and they’ll let me, I still have to wait fucking forever just to get access? It’s as if no one here wants problems to be fixed. God forbid, then the company might be able to fire half the people and actually be productive again. You know, like we used to be, before innovation was replaced with acquisition and mediocrity became the standard.
So once again I didn’t get my bonus and now I’m getting hours taken off my paycheck for sick days I didn’t take. Fucking awesome. Fuck this place.
Went to the gym again this morning. D came with. We didn’t really workout together, but it was nice having her there, knowing we have similar goals, that we’re going to help each other achieve them. Not just working out but supporting each other in all things.
Still can’t get over this beautiful weather we’re having, I really hope it does last the next two weeks.
What a great weekend. Not only did I complete my routine Thursday morning, but I went dancing Friday night with D, went to the gym again Sunday morning, then took a long ass walk around Montreal with D Sunday afternoon. The whole weekend was sunny and warm, today too, me and some colleagues went to the park for lunch. It’s almost like being reborn, I feel like a totally different person when I can just walk out my door without a jacket. I’m excited for the coming summer and all that it holds.
I’ll never understand. When I gave a shit I was considered a bad employee. Now that I couldn’t care less I’m told I’m being told my management style is better. I guess the lesson here is don’t try or care because no one wants the extra work.
I have zero desire to work today. I’m so fucking tired. I’ve kinda lost motivation for this project again. I’m not sure why, I keep going back and forth with it. I guess the problem is that I’m trying to make a tool that will make everyone happy, but that’s impossible. Usually people adapt to a program they have to use, but when they know they can have exactly what they want everyone wants something different. I’ve had to re-write the core of the system 3 times now. It just irks me that people can’t ever see that freeing up 3/4 of their time is still better than freeing up none of it, but people don’t work that way, all they see is that 1/4 missing. If I’d never brought up the idea no one would even be thinking about it, but because I did, now I have to do everything. It takes all the fun out of wanting to help people.
I’m trying to find some SHM stuff but Beatport has next to none and I refuse to use iTunes. Does anyone know any other sites where you can buy house music?
