Some days I just don’t want to go to work, but too bad, I have to. Life is hard. It’s hard every single day. All you can do is accept it and try to find the positive. The secret to life is fucking deal with it. It’s so hard at first, especially if you’re near the bottom, you can barely make sense of why you’d want to do that. But every day you do it gets better. You just change your perspective, little by little, until you start to see as much good as you do bad. Maybe more. The negative stops being important.

I realised last night that even on my darkest days I still haven’t thought of ending my life, cutting, poisoning myself with alcohol in I don’t know how long. It just prolongs my agony, makes it easier to be negative. I’m so far from my own goals and maybe I put too much pressure on myself, but at least that pressure is now working to move me forward sometimes. I started late and my journey has been long, but I can see where I’m going even if I’m not there yet. It gets a little clearer every day. I feel a little less lost. Happier even.

Also, back to one coffee in the morning and only water the rest of the time. No coke, no iced tea, etc. I feel fuckin terrible and my head kills, but I’ll feel better in the long run if I stay with it.

where did you learn, you were born to lose

Cutting myself off from tumblr at work was such a good idea. Not only am I getting more done, I’m training myself to keep getting back into my work no matter what distracts me. I’m starting to feel like I’m accomplishing things again.

Upside to drinking water all day: feel healthier.
Downside to drinking water all day: go to the bathroom 16 times an hour.

fuck fuck fuck. I put it in my calendar, my phone notified me, and yet I still forgot to wish her a happy birthday. I am the worst fucking friend. Now I’m even more nervous to write her back. Why do I constantly avoid the people I care the most about?

This amused/annoyed me so much I had to connect to my home computer just to share it. Please note, my skype avatar is Deadmau5

me: Hi [client]

client: Hey [me]
client: You got the right avatar

me: you like EDM?

client: Yeah their good

Wow. Just…. wow.

When I start to crash I have a tendency to fall off the edge of a ledge. I spent 11 hours yesterday on my couch. Moving only to have thing go in one way or out the other. I kept telling myself I should go out, at the very least take a walk. I could see it was such a nice day but I just didn’t want to go out there. Didn’t want to feel anything, didn’t want to care about anything, total system shut down. Half of it was the drugs, but the other half was realising how attached I’m getting to D. It scared the hell out of me. But I gave myself one day and that was it. I went to sleep early and woke up early and went to the gym. On a Thursday which is irregular but purposeful because I want to switch up my routine so I can spend more time with her and not feel guilty/depressed/unmotivated cause I don’t go to the gym. And again, it’s wanting to be with her, but more importantly it’s recognising it and choosing to change instead of just being an asshole. I’m proud of that and I’m not really afraid to say this is all about me, has to be all about me. I like making her happy because that makes me happy. She likes making me happy because it makes her happy. If for some reason that isn’t happening anymore I’ll deal with it when it comes. It won’t have to mean the end, it just means we talk, discuss, figure things out, as we’ve done and I hope to continue to do. Because nothing and no one is perfect. We get through by communicating and being honest. There’s no sense in beating yourself up over anything you feel, cause your feelings aren’t going anywhere, and they won’t change like your conscious thought can. They only move on when they’ve been felt.

So apparently when I cleared my history on Firefox it finally recognized the fact I’d put in a redirect for tumblr. It had worked in chrome, safari, opera and ie, but of course not the browser I used the most for development. Anyway, point being I’m no longer gonna be posting much during the day. And since I pretty much only post during the day at work, I might just abandon tumblr altogether. I notice I’m internalizing most of what I write here now. I don’t need to slow my brain down as much to realise I’m making bad decisions, following the wrong path. And not being able to write things down actually makes me wonder if it even matters. I mean, if I need to talk about something, there’s always someone I can talk to. It took me a long long long time to change the belief that I’m alone, to even see that I make myself alone, but I did. And if I really don’t need to talk about it that badly, then maybe it’s really not important and I shouldn’t be over thinking it in the first place. Not to mention, less distraction means accomplishing more work, which is its own reward.

Anyway, Sunday morning was the first time I’ve ever gone out with a girl with the explicit plan of dancing. I was so fucking nervous, worried I’d look stupid, but that was just the fear of the unknown. Although I’d only been twice before, it was definitely the best time I ever had. I danced more and took less drugs than usual. On top of that, I usually wake up Monday in extreme pain, but I feel barely any discomfort today. Although lack of physical pain has made it a lot easier to notice that while I am awake, I’m not really all here. Time is definitely moving slowly, and wires are crossed in my brain, nothing big, just annoying as I’m having trouble with simple tasks.

Oh well.

This is the first time I’ve ever gone dancing with a girl. So far, so good.

I don’t know why I even bother trying to sleep in the afternoon/evening. I really want to get rest before being up all night, but my body/mind just won’t shut down. I don’t know if it’s just cause I’m not used to napping, or nerves, or both. I’m always so nervous before going dancing. My social anxiety goes through the roof. I know I’ll be high as kite later on, but I still have to get there, go through security, talk to people, it stresses me out. I just have to keep telling myself it’ll all be ok in the end.