When I start to crash I have a tendency to fall off the edge of a ledge. I spent 11 hours yesterday on my couch. Moving only to have thing go in one way or out the other. I kept telling myself I should go out, at the very least take a walk. I could see it was such a nice day but I just didn’t want to go out there. Didn’t want to feel anything, didn’t want to care about anything, total system shut down. Half of it was the drugs, but the other half was realising how attached I’m getting to D. It scared the hell out of me. But I gave myself one day and that was it. I went to sleep early and woke up early and went to the gym. On a Thursday which is irregular but purposeful because I want to switch up my routine so I can spend more time with her and not feel guilty/depressed/unmotivated cause I don’t go to the gym. And again, it’s wanting to be with her, but more importantly it’s recognising it and choosing to change instead of just being an asshole. I’m proud of that and I’m not really afraid to say this is all about me, has to be all about me. I like making her happy because that makes me happy. She likes making me happy because it makes her happy. If for some reason that isn’t happening anymore I’ll deal with it when it comes. It won’t have to mean the end, it just means we talk, discuss, figure things out, as we’ve done and I hope to continue to do. Because nothing and no one is perfect. We get through by communicating and being honest. There’s no sense in beating yourself up over anything you feel, cause your feelings aren’t going anywhere, and they won’t change like your conscious thought can. They only move on when they’ve been felt.
day’s… dawning, skin’s… crawling
Weird. I thought Cat was ignoring me, but she wasn’t. Or she was and she lied about why. But I can’t start thinking like that. Except I am thinking like that because that message… it reminded me of Drixel. How she kept having convenient answers for not spending time with me. But if I stop trusting everyone how will I ever truly get to know anyone? What I should really focus on is the fact that I expect something when I shouldn’t. I don’t have to run away, I can still keep talking to her and spend time with her, I just shouldn’t want anything. Of course as soon as I finished writing that sentence I realise what a terrible mistake that would be. Either I stick around and care, or I walk away. Being in the middle will only make me crazy. Because you stick around for someone you care about that you know cares about you, that’s the right thing to do. But you don’t stick around for someone who you don’t really know just to be nice. It might sound like a lovely idea, but the person who loses here is me.
I mean seriously, we didn’t talk for 10 months and then just picked up where we left off, it’s not like if I go now that can’t happen again. But I can’t just vanish, I have to be up front with her, tell her what I’m thinking and risk that she thinks I’m crazy, or gets hurt, or tries to hurt me, etc. Because for one thing, the chance of any of those things happening is slight, and more importantly, when you’re honest you learn what’s really going on with people. Maybe I’m smart enough to figure out most situations 90% of the time, and maybe that’s fucking awesome, but that doesn’t mean I have to. Taking the hard route just because you can, because you’re afraid to face someone and admit who you are, that’s not right. I mean if she didn’t like me for how I honestly see things then why would I want to be her friend in the first place, right?
Of course now that I think about it, if she keeps avoiding me, how the fuck do I ever talk to her face to face? I mean that’s the real problem, right? But is that her fault? My fault? Anyone’s fault?
Eesh, again I got off track. The point is, I should stop focusing on her. My thoughts about Drixel keep leaking into my thoughts about her. Which is unfair, because they aren’t the same person at all. They make me feel the same way, but that’s a whole other issue.
Especially when lately there’s been a whole lot of girls turning my head. I have to stop thinking in terms of relationships and long term commitments. I need to just enjoy each day as much as I can. I honestly have no idea how to do that, it feels so alien to me, but if I don’t try I won’t get there.
