The Art of Obscenity

Went to the gym again this morning. D came with. We didn’t really workout together, but it was nice having her there, knowing we have similar goals, that we’re going to help each other achieve them. Not just working out but supporting each other in all things.

Still can’t get over this beautiful weather we’re having, I really hope it does last the next two weeks.

What a great weekend. Not only did I complete my routine Thursday morning, but I went dancing Friday night with D, went to the gym again Sunday morning, then took a long ass walk around Montreal with D Sunday afternoon. The whole weekend was sunny and warm, today too, me and some colleagues went to the park for lunch. It’s almost like being reborn, I feel like a totally different person when I can just walk out my door without a jacket. I’m excited for the coming summer and all that it holds.

So glad I pushed myself to go to the gym this morning. Pushed myself a little further than usual as well. I’m sore, but good sore.

Now I have to do some work that I clearly don’t want to do because I’m on tumblr instead. Working today, working tomorrow, I feel like this is going to end badly, but then again, not really. I seem to destroy myself every weekend getting too high, playing Skyrim, and eating bad food. I’m choosing to work both days because I want to, because I’m good at what I do and I enjoy it, because I want to advance my life instead of stagnating.

I can do anything.

When I start to crash I have a tendency to fall off the edge of a ledge. I spent 11 hours yesterday on my couch. Moving only to have thing go in one way or out the other. I kept telling myself I should go out, at the very least take a walk. I could see it was such a nice day but I just didn’t want to go out there. Didn’t want to feel anything, didn’t want to care about anything, total system shut down. Half of it was the drugs, but the other half was realising how attached I’m getting to D. It scared the hell out of me. But I gave myself one day and that was it. I went to sleep early and woke up early and went to the gym. On a Thursday which is irregular but purposeful because I want to switch up my routine so I can spend more time with her and not feel guilty/depressed/unmotivated cause I don’t go to the gym. And again, it’s wanting to be with her, but more importantly it’s recognising it and choosing to change instead of just being an asshole. I’m proud of that and I’m not really afraid to say this is all about me, has to be all about me. I like making her happy because that makes me happy. She likes making me happy because it makes her happy. If for some reason that isn’t happening anymore I’ll deal with it when it comes. It won’t have to mean the end, it just means we talk, discuss, figure things out, as we’ve done and I hope to continue to do. Because nothing and no one is perfect. We get through by communicating and being honest. There’s no sense in beating yourself up over anything you feel, cause your feelings aren’t going anywhere, and they won’t change like your conscious thought can. They only move on when they’ve been felt.

Went to the gym, had vector even though I really really really wanted McDonalds. Even skipped free breakfast at work. Today should be a relatively easy day. Looking forward to tonight, gonna make fajitas and watch Ferris Bueller’s Day Off with D.

Well, I didn’t pull it off yesterday, but at least I did this morning. First time on a weekday in the new year. I feel kinda ashamed of that, but fuck it, I went, so I only have to keep going now. The past isn’t important.

I feel somewhat sane again. It’s like waking up from a bad dream.

Got up and immediately went to the gym. Didn’t think about food, or how tired I was, or how much my neck and head hurt, I refused to let the negative side of me take any control. I was tired as fuck though, and it was a pretty miserable workout, but I still feel a lot better. I think that since working out was the first real thing I did to start changing my life for the better, it always seems to refocus me, put me back at the start of the right path. It’s my way back into my positive self.

I love that feeling when I leave the gym and my arms and legs are shaking cause they’re so tired, so sore, but not strictly in pain.

Gym was good, but I’m in a weird head space. Today is going to be a hell of a day. Multiple chances for rejection.

pleasantly caving in, i come undone

I couldn’t do it this morning. I just felt so tired, when I heard the rain outside I turned back over. I’ll go to the gym tomorrow when I don’t have to wake up at 6 to do it. It’s funny though, I can already feel the difference. I’ve become so much more aware of every up and down. I want to fully understand what makes me, the physical feeling me, happy. Working out definitely makes me more positive. I’ll definitely go tomorrow morning.

My mind is already trying to pull me back into the negativity. The critic looms over me always.