Some days I just don’t want to go to work, but too bad, I have to. Life is hard. It’s hard every single day. All you can do is accept it and try to find the positive. The secret to life is fucking deal with it. It’s so hard at first, especially if you’re near the bottom, you can barely make sense of why you’d want to do that. But every day you do it gets better. You just change your perspective, little by little, until you start to see as much good as you do bad. Maybe more. The negative stops being important.
I realised last night that even on my darkest days I still haven’t thought of ending my life, cutting, poisoning myself with alcohol in I don’t know how long. It just prolongs my agony, makes it easier to be negative. I’m so far from my own goals and maybe I put too much pressure on myself, but at least that pressure is now working to move me forward sometimes. I started late and my journey has been long, but I can see where I’m going even if I’m not there yet. It gets a little clearer every day. I feel a little less lost. Happier even.
Well that was awkward as fuck. She actually didn’t remember me. But then she did. She said to just e-mail her. I couldn’t tell if she was annoyed or nervous. I know my heart won’t stop pounding. Which is weird cause I can’t even remember what this girl looks like. Which is really weird since her face was literally a cm from mine. It’s not even about her. It’s about me doing something that freaked me out. Actually asking a girl out. I can’t remember the last time I did that, allowed myself to be rejected, I certain can’t remember the last time I did it on the phone. I’ve been a txt’er ever since Erin got me hooked on it 7 or 8 years ago. It’s so anti-social, txt’ing, e-mailing, im’ing. I need to use my own voice again. I have to be able to come up with things to say on the fly, no preparation, no ability to backspace. I have to live in the real world.
I guess I’ll go e-mail her. She did say yes when I asked, she just had to get off the phone. If I keep analyzing this there’s a good chance I’ll go completely insane. All that matters is I did something I wanted to do. That’s all that will ever matter.
I’m still amazed every single day to realise that I suddenly have patience. That I can see long term. My paranoia and my fear still spike wildly and make me want to run, but I don’t anymore. I don’t let it dictate my behaviour, I don’t even budge. I know what my goals are and I accept they will take time. To be upset is to push myself to do things before plans come to fruition, and that will only take away from me. If I have to wait for what I want, then I’ll wait, it doesn’t mean I can’t do other things at the same time. Doesn’t mean I can’t enjoy every day of my life for the simple beauty and chaos of it while I wait.
