The Art of Obscenity

When I start to crash I have a tendency to fall off the edge of a ledge. I spent 11 hours yesterday on my couch. Moving only to have thing go in one way or out the other. I kept telling myself I should go out, at the very least take a walk. I could see it was such a nice day but I just didn’t want to go out there. Didn’t want to feel anything, didn’t want to care about anything, total system shut down. Half of it was the drugs, but the other half was realising how attached I’m getting to D. It scared the hell out of me. But I gave myself one day and that was it. I went to sleep early and woke up early and went to the gym. On a Thursday which is irregular but purposeful because I want to switch up my routine so I can spend more time with her and not feel guilty/depressed/unmotivated cause I don’t go to the gym. And again, it’s wanting to be with her, but more importantly it’s recognising it and choosing to change instead of just being an asshole. I’m proud of that and I’m not really afraid to say this is all about me, has to be all about me. I like making her happy because that makes me happy. She likes making me happy because it makes her happy. If for some reason that isn’t happening anymore I’ll deal with it when it comes. It won’t have to mean the end, it just means we talk, discuss, figure things out, as we’ve done and I hope to continue to do. Because nothing and no one is perfect. We get through by communicating and being honest. There’s no sense in beating yourself up over anything you feel, cause your feelings aren’t going anywhere, and they won’t change like your conscious thought can. They only move on when they’ve been felt.