fuck fuck fuck. I put it in my calendar, my phone notified me, and yet I still forgot to wish her a happy birthday. I am the worst fucking friend. Now I’m even more nervous to write her back. Why do I constantly avoid the people I care the most about?
At least I finally wrote back to Bamboo. It really bothered me that I hadn’t done it yet. I’ve been so stuck in my head since what happened after her message. I’ve been so focused on assholes I forgot again about the people that care. You wouldn’t think I’d forget something I wrote on the wall, but somehow it keeps happening.
Remember the people that care.
Always.
I feel so lost. I thought things couldn’t get worse with the constant up and down, left to right, positive to negative. But being contacted by my best friend in the world and then the worst person I’ve ever called friend. I feel like my brain keeps being slammed into one side of my skull, then the other. I am a human maraca.
I feel constantly exhausted and yet I find myself doing nothing. I keep trying to wake up to go to the gym as always but end up dragging myself out of bed two hours later. I keep getting to work later and later. I don’t want to deal with anyone when I’m here. Then I just retreat back into my head every night.
I feel like the universe is against me while simultaneously thinking that’s the dumbest train of thought possible.
I just want everything to go away, and in the past it would, I’d give up and let go and fall into myself. Instead I keep fighting, and that’s good, but it’s bad. One voice in my head telling me what to do all the time was terrible, two screaming at each other make every single act painful.
My friend Bamboo, who I’ve mentioned once before, I barely talk to her anymore. I always feel like I’m the worst friend ever, that I’ve never been good enough for her. I know she’s busy with her new family, plus school and work, and she doesn’t need my complaining and my negativity. I know that’s ridiculous on some level, but she’s always been so perfect, the nicest friend I’ve ever had, my constant cheerleader, I feel like I’d only be letting her down. This is part of an e-mail she just sent me,
I have been a terrible friend for quite some time now. I’m so sorry.
It seems like every few months you and I are saying again, “let’s not lose touch this time.” I hate it. I’m tired of it, and this is the last time I am going to let it happen. You were such an integral part of my life for too many years to let that just slip away. You became my best friend. I love you, and I hate that you’re no longer a presence in my day. Sure, it’s hard. We both have busy lives, and it’s not like we can just meet up for coffee for a few minutes on the fly, but not impossible. There was a time there when I dare say you knew me better than I knew myself. You have seen me at my worst, and celebrated my best with me. I have seen you become the type of person I always knew you could be, and I want to be a part of this you as well. The more time passes, the sillier this email seems. I don’t want to let this get to appoint where I we are nothing more than a part of the past. I know this is mostly my fault. I get busy, and feel that a simple “hey” would be inadequate when I really should be telling you about the last few month.. You know?
Reading this made me want to cry. I don’t know how I ever found such an amazing person, or why she loves me so much, but I’m so glad. I hope I never lose her.
God I miss Bamboo. My constant fucking cheerleader. The only person who never fucked me over in some way. She always had a way to make me feel special and I love her for it. Not that she’s strictly gone, just married, with kids, and two time zones over. I feel like she has a real life. I might not understand the desire to have children, but I know what a great mother she is and I feel like my stupid empty life doesn’t need her as much as they do. I know if I told her that she’d tell me I was being ridiculous and that she missed me so much.
I don’t understand myself. I want so badly to care, but I don’t. I’m so much closer to the next stage in my evolution but I keep walking sideways. It’s not bad, it’s just… not good.
But I don’t know, is that strictly true? Am I really getting nowhere, or have my negative emotions hijacked my brain again? Am I just beating myself up because I don’t want to disappoint her and that weighs on me? I know I never could, so why this foolishness?
Why am I so afraid that someone might care about me?
