I’m surprisingly happy and good natured this morning. Smiling and saying good morning to everyone.
I guess it’s not that surprising. :P
I barely check tumblr anymore, I haven’t checked TheChive since they posted that Kony2012 video, I almost never go to imgur or reddit anymore. My news tab on netvibes is up to 673 unread posts, fail tab at 821, and work at 1006 (how fucking weird, I just noticed that’s an even 2500). I spent my entire day at work actually working. Then I go home and either work some more on my side projects or I get to be with my wonderful and beautiful girlfriend. I went from having nothing but free time to having almost none and I don’t feel the least bit upset about it. I actually feel really content and almost at peace for the first time in a long long time.
This is the first time I’ve ever gone dancing with a girl. So far, so good.
I smell like sex, weed, and swiss army. So glad I have a meeting as soon as work starts.
i won’t break down tonight, i feel it for the first time
I never used to smile. I convinced myself I looked better when I didn’t. Probably because it always looked so forced, so made up, I couldn’t stand seeing it. This morning I was looking in the mirror and I had on my typical rebel without a clue frown on. Now it looked forced, unnatural, so I smiled instead. For the first time ever I saw my face light up. I can’t explain what it meant to me.
I’m filled with too many fried thai dumplings and grey goose. Neither of the people I wanted to see showed up. S’okay, I still had a good time. It showed me again that despite not fully wanting to be there I was still really social, really into everyone, asking questions, trying to keep the conversation going. Slowly the image I have in my head of the terrible, useless, worthless child is being eaten away by the reality of what I’ve become.
I was an hour and ten minutes early for work. I like it when no one is here, I focus better and stay focused when people come in. So what if I can’t leave early, I feel proud of myself and that’s way more important.
It’s been a really good morning so far. I feel positive.
you’d do good, to move on, no it won’t, it won’t hurt me none
It’s easier to lie. To pretend I don’t care. That I’m not hurt. I keep wanting to act that way here and that’s confusing the shit out of me. I have to put other people out of my mind. Otherwise this becomes an act in justification, which although very similar, is not the real intent. You may have to justify yourself to other people, but you never ever ever have to justify yourself to your self. That way lies a slippery slope of self hatred and destruction. We make decisions and then we live with them, there’s nothing else you can do. You can’t change the past and you can’t wait forever for perfect opportunities.
I know I’m making the right decision. No matter how much it hurts, no matter how much I wish I could change it, I’m still making the right decision. I’m accepting the short term pain in exchange for a much worse long term pain. Sometimes that’s the only choice you have in life that’s right. It doesn’t feel right, it doesn’t make you happy, but no one ever said life was easy. Except me of course, and that just proves I was once blind to reality. Still kinda am most of the time, but not all the time. Less and less every day.
In fact, despite what happened last night, and the watch getting broken, I still had a really great day. I don’t acknowledge those enough. I don’t admit to myself enough that I have good days. I focus so much on the negative I can’t see how much better things are for me. In fact my mind is trying to do it to me right now, because I can see how much better things are. That duality is hard but I’m catching it more and more. Seeing the lies and the bullshit inside my head. Moving past it to see what it’s hiding. It makes me smile. Unfortunately it also makes me deeply sad.
My friend Bamboo, who I’ve mentioned once before, I barely talk to her anymore. I always feel like I’m the worst friend ever, that I’ve never been good enough for her. I know she’s busy with her new family, plus school and work, and she doesn’t need my complaining and my negativity. I know that’s ridiculous on some level, but she’s always been so perfect, the nicest friend I’ve ever had, my constant cheerleader, I feel like I’d only be letting her down. This is part of an e-mail she just sent me,
I have been a terrible friend for quite some time now. I’m so sorry.
It seems like every few months you and I are saying again, “let’s not lose touch this time.” I hate it. I’m tired of it, and this is the last time I am going to let it happen. You were such an integral part of my life for too many years to let that just slip away. You became my best friend. I love you, and I hate that you’re no longer a presence in my day. Sure, it’s hard. We both have busy lives, and it’s not like we can just meet up for coffee for a few minutes on the fly, but not impossible. There was a time there when I dare say you knew me better than I knew myself. You have seen me at my worst, and celebrated my best with me. I have seen you become the type of person I always knew you could be, and I want to be a part of this you as well. The more time passes, the sillier this email seems. I don’t want to let this get to appoint where I we are nothing more than a part of the past. I know this is mostly my fault. I get busy, and feel that a simple “hey” would be inadequate when I really should be telling you about the last few month.. You know?
Reading this made me want to cry. I don’t know how I ever found such an amazing person, or why she loves me so much, but I’m so glad. I hope I never lose her.
