i had no hand in watching it all fall apart
Aug 2, 2008 19:14 EDT
I see things before they happen sometimes, see the future unfolding in my head, and all I want to do is change the course of the people I care about so they avoid the sadness and the pain in their path. They don't see what I see though, don't believe I can see it, so if I try they resent me for it. For what they see as an intrusion of their will, for the slight they perceive in what is only an act of love on my part.
For once I stood aside, I held my tongue. I watched everything in my head happen, saw events culminate and create pain in someone I love and now I feel failure. Failure that I can never change anything, that if I fight I lose who I care about, and if I don't, I have to live with the thought that I didn't try hard enough. That I didn't do what I knew was the right thing because just once I didn't want to lose what made me happy. I hate myself a little more for it.
I know to see things this way is wrong, that I have to put myself first, that people have to live their own lives and make their own mistakes, but then what point is there in my existence? What point is there in what I see, in the thoughts I'm constantly haunted by if I can never do anything for the people I care about?
I wish it would all just go away.
heuristics, human behaviour
The Smashing Pumpkins - Blissed & Gone
heartbroken
we're looking for wives so tired of sluts comin' to us in the clubs with their cocaine
Jul 28, 2008 11:52 EDT
Those who would give up essential liberty to purchase a little temporary safety deserve neither liberty nor safety.
- Benjamin Franklin
I've been thinking a lot lately about how one man can change the world, but only superficially. Jesus Christ, murdering crusaders, gay attacking homophobes, etc, etc. Mohammad, martyrs, women treated like crap. Budhha, sect after sect missing the entire point. Washington and Franklin, George W. fucking Bush and the ridiculousness of current American politics and international affairs.
There are no good ideas any more, no revolutions of thought. Hundreds of years ago a single idea couldn't survive the masses, so what chance do any of them have now? Today if you think outside the box you end up in prison, or outcast, or whatever anyone can do to you to keep you from making a real difference.
These days all we seem to have are scientific breakthroughs, most of which don't affect anyone's life in any real way. We strive to live longer, but most of us have no idea how to live to begin with.
human behaviour, philosophy, religion
Death From Above 1979 - Dead Womb
disillusioned
i don't care what they say about us anyway, i don't care about that
Jul 17, 2008 17:16 EDT
I've spent my entire life hating myself and surrounding myself with people who would validate that hatred over and over again by constantly belittling me in some sick effort to feel better about themselves.
Just yesterday I got an e-mail from a person I once held in such regard, and all it contained was a diatribe about what a bad person I was. Worse, it was based on absolutely nothing, on ideas this person just created out of thin air because I refuse to even have them in my life anymore.
What really bothers me about it though, is that my instinct should be to just laugh it off, to realise how sad and pathetic such a person must be, and not let it affect me, but it does. I take every thing anyone says to heart because I'm just so used to accepting I'm a horrible person, a bad person. I let one stupid person make everything I've been feeling good about fly right out the window. It's not fair.
I do do it to myself though, I'll never claim otherwise. I value myself less than everyone else, I accommodate everyone around me while they shit all over me, just to have them call me a horrible person the second I get fed up, snap, and stand up for myself. I'm the world's bitch, and I let it happen, but not anymore, not ever again.
emotion, human behaviour
Weezer - Buddy Holly
sad
and it makes me feel so fine, i can't control my brain
Jul 16, 2008 10:38 EDT
It seems the more I want to figure something out the more it eludes me. All the best ideas I've ever had came to me when I wasn't looking for them. Every day I sit here trying to figure things out and the more I try the more frustrated I get. I've been brainwashed to believe hard work and perseverance will get you somewhere, but the reality is that just gets you more stress.
I guess if I want to find happiness I should just stop looking.
human behaviour
Weezer - Island in the Sun
growing pains
things have never been so swell, i have never failed to feel (pain)
Jun 27, 2008 14:41 EDT
Sometimes it feels like admitting a mistake is worse than saying nothing. No one is interested in the truth if it hurts.
human behaviour
Nirvana - You Know You're Right
sad
SwearFu