i don't care what they say about us anyway, i don't care about that
Jul 17, 2008 17:16 EDT
I've spent my entire life hating myself and surrounding myself with people who would validate that hatred over and over again by constantly belittling me in some sick effort to feel better about themselves.
Just yesterday I got an e-mail from a person I once held in such regard, and all it contained was a diatribe about what a bad person I was. Worse, it was based on absolutely nothing, on ideas this person just created out of thin air because I refuse to even have them in my life anymore.
What really bothers me about it though, is that my instinct should be to just laugh it off, to realise how sad and pathetic such a person must be, and not let it affect me, but it does. I take every thing anyone says to heart because I'm just so used to accepting I'm a horrible person, a bad person. I let one stupid person make everything I've been feeling good about fly right out the window. It's not fair.
I do do it to myself though, I'll never claim otherwise. I value myself less than everyone else, I accommodate everyone around me while they shit all over me, just to have them call me a horrible person the second I get fed up, snap, and stand up for myself. I'm the world's bitch, and I let it happen, but not anymore, not ever again.
emotion, human behaviour
Weezer - Buddy Holly
sad
and though it seemed i wanted less, i always dreamed of tenderness
Jul 12, 2008 15:31 EDT
My emotion, my feelings, are so far removed from my mind, my logic, that I might as well be two completely different people. Two different people who loathe each other so much I can barely function as a normal human being unless I fake everything I'm doing. Unless I shut down and go on autopilot, trapped inside watching everything pass me by.
and though that time passes by
and that our lives have changed
but our love was special
our love was strange
and although my heart broke
in time it did mend
except when i think about the time
that we used to be friends
emotion, lyrics
Cranes - Beautiful Friend
heartbroken
i imagined typhoid and us alone, always us alone
Jul 10, 2008 13:22 EDT
crawl from the sea
wait for some thumbs
a greatness to breed
build the mall, of, america
when i was the rat
the rat who would be king
i imagined ashes
and us alone, always us alone
and i've, waited on the sidelines
all this time, all this time
and i've a grenade, with our names
scratched on the side
but that's just love
and you know that love's not enough
no, no, love's not enough
love's not enough
love's, not enough
emotion, lyrics, panic
Matthew Good Band - The Rat Who Would Be King
panic attack
and even when i'm right with you i'm so far away
Jul 8, 2008 22:36 EDT
I still have moments where all I feel is panic. I just sit there, completely unable to think of anything. There's only an overwhelming sense that everything in my life is completely wrong. I feel so trapped I want to rip my skin off, bash my head open, anything, just to get away from me.
emotion, panic
the airconditioner
heartbroken
his value declined when he offered his name
Jun 29, 2008 16:18 EDT
I feel like I'm waking up from a dream. A nightmare that's consumed my entire life.
emotion
Metric - Rock Me Now
scared
i will let you down, i will make you hurt
Jun 23, 2008 16:08 EDT
There's no point in trusting anyone, it only leads to getting fucked over.
emotion, hurt
Nine Inch Nails - Hurt
hurt
Even when I know, I'm still lost
Jun 21, 2008 13:37 EDT
For the first time in my life I knew and accepted who I was so completely that I could be totally honest with someone. I totally opened my head and heart, but the exact same thing happened. Over and over again I allow myself to care about someone, and everything goes to hell. I wonder if I pick the wrong people, or if I'm so fucked up no one could care about me as I am, or both. I wonder but I don't feel anything about it, I'm not sad or angry or anything, I don't even hate myself. I think I've finally become so jaded that I just don't care anymore. Is this what being normal is supposed to feel like? It's very freeing.
emotion, love
Muse - Hate This and I'll Love You
dead inside
SwearFu