The Art of Obscenity

Want.

Thu, 16 Feb 2012 18:47:30 -0500

Want.

This amused/annoyed me so much I had to connect to my home computer just to share it. Please note,...

Thu, 16 Feb 2012 10:49:35 -0500

This amused/annoyed me so much I had to connect to my home computer just to share it. Please note, my skype avatar is Deadmau5

me: Hi [client]

client: Hey [me]
client: You got the right avatar

me: you like EDM?

client: Yeah their good

Wow. Just…. wow.

When I start to crash I have a tendency to fall off the edge of a ledge. I spent 11 hours yesterday...

Thu, 16 Feb 2012 09:02:45 -0500

When I start to crash I have a tendency to fall off the edge of a ledge. I spent 11 hours yesterday on my couch. Moving only to have thing go in one way or out the other. I kept telling myself I should go out, at the very least take a walk. I could see it was such a nice day but I just didn’t want to go out there. Didn’t want to feel anything, didn’t want to care about anything, total system shut down. Half of it was the drugs, but the other half was realising how attached I’m getting to D. It scared the hell out of me. But I gave myself one day and that was it. I went to sleep early and woke up early and went to the gym. On a Thursday which is irregular but purposeful because I want to switch up my routine so I can spend more time with her and not feel guilty/depressed/unmotivated cause I don’t go to the gym. And again, it’s wanting to be with her, but more importantly it’s recognising it and choosing to change instead of just being an asshole. I’m proud of that and I’m not really afraid to say this is all about me, has to be all about me. I like making her happy because that makes me happy. She likes making me happy because it makes her happy. If for some reason that isn’t happening anymore I’ll deal with it when it comes. It won’t have to mean the end, it just means we talk, discuss, figure things out, as we’ve done and I hope to continue to do. Because nothing and no one is perfect. We get through by communicating and being honest. There’s no sense in beating yourself up over anything you feel, cause your feelings aren’t going anywhere, and they won’t change like your conscious thought can. They only move on when they’ve been felt.

viva!

Tue, 14 Feb 2012 17:34:32 -0500

viva!

Now here are some of your no-name bands: Sonic Youth? Nine Inch...

Tue, 14 Feb 2012 16:49:13 -0500

Now here are some of your no-name bands: Sonic Youth? Nine Inch Nails?

So apparently when I cleared my history on Firefox it finally recognized the fact I’d put in a...

Mon, 13 Feb 2012 14:52:27 -0500

So apparently when I cleared my history on Firefox it finally recognized the fact I’d put in a redirect for tumblr. It had worked in chrome, safari, opera and ie, but of course not the browser I used the most for development. Anyway, point being I’m no longer gonna be posting much during the day. And since I pretty much only post during the day at work, I might just abandon tumblr altogether. I notice I’m internalizing most of what I write here now. I don’t need to slow my brain down as much to realise I’m making bad decisions, following the wrong path. And not being able to write things down actually makes me wonder if it even matters. I mean, if I need to talk about something, there’s always someone I can talk to. It took me a long long long time to change the belief that I’m alone, to even see that I make myself alone, but I did. And if I really don’t need to talk about it that badly, then maybe it’s really not important and I shouldn’t be over thinking it in the first place. Not to mention, less distraction means accomplishing more work, which is its own reward.

Anyway, Sunday morning was the first time I’ve ever gone out with a girl with the explicit plan of dancing. I was so fucking nervous, worried I’d look stupid, but that was just the fear of the unknown. Although I’d only been twice before, it was definitely the best time I ever had. I danced more and took less drugs than usual. On top of that, I usually wake up Monday in extreme pain, but I feel barely any discomfort today. Although lack of physical pain has made it a lot easier to notice that while I am awake, I’m not really all here. Time is definitely moving slowly, and wires are crossed in my brain, nothing big, just annoying as I’m having trouble with simple tasks.

Oh well.

This is the first time I’ve ever gone dancing with a girl. So far, so good.

Sun, 12 Feb 2012 05:06:00 -0500

This is the first time I’ve ever gone dancing with a girl. So far, so good.

I don’t know why I even bother trying to sleep in the afternoon/evening. I really want to get...

Sat, 11 Feb 2012 19:47:13 -0500

I don’t know why I even bother trying to sleep in the afternoon/evening. I really want to get rest before being up all night, but my body/mind just won’t shut down. I don’t know if it’s just cause I’m not used to napping, or nerves, or both. I’m always so nervous before going dancing. My social anxiety goes through the roof. I know I’ll be high as kite later on, but I still have to get there, go through security, talk to people, it stresses me out. I just have to keep telling myself it’ll all be ok in the end.

mandymorbid: yup….

Sat, 11 Feb 2012 08:22:47 -0500

mandymorbid:

yup….

Photo

Sat, 11 Feb 2012 08:17:01 -0500

Sometimes the first step is turning everything inside out so you can see it from the other side.

Fri, 10 Feb 2012 12:13:01 -0500

Sometimes the first step is turning everything inside out so you can see it from the other side.

Had a pair of Vans that I’d only worn a few times but just didn’t fit right. I Asked a...

Fri, 10 Feb 2012 10:57:40 -0500

Had a pair of Vans that I’d only worn a few times but just didn’t fit right. I Asked a few people around the office if they wanted them, someone on my team took them. Then someone else asked why I didn’t ask for money for them since they were brand new shoes. I’m glad I don’t think that way, and I hope I never do.

mydrunkkitchen: “Oh, Internet” - a love song…from My Harto…to...

Fri, 10 Feb 2012 10:05:19 -0500

mydrunkkitchen:

“Oh, Internet” - a love song…from My Harto…to yours.

How did I miss this yesterday!

Requiem for a Dream in 60 Seconds… with puppets

Fri, 10 Feb 2012 09:59:30 -0500

Requiem for a Dream in 60 Seconds… with puppets

this was my desktop wallpaper for a year.

Fri, 10 Feb 2012 07:58:59 -0500

this was my desktop wallpaper for a year.

Holy jesus fuck, I have to stop spending money.

Thu, 09 Feb 2012 22:00:23 -0500

Holy jesus fuck, I have to stop spending money.

Done. Kickass. That only took up my entire night. >_< Oh well, I’ll worker harder and...

Thu, 09 Feb 2012 21:54:32 -0500

Done. Kickass. That only took up my entire night. >_<

Oh well, I’ll worker harder and faster next time.

I am having such a hard time working. And I’m not even working. All I have to do is do...

Thu, 09 Feb 2012 21:06:58 -0500

I am having such a hard time working. And I’m not even working. All I have to do is do research. Fucking research. I used to LOVE research. I don’t have to call anybody or anything. Just fucking look shit up. And instead I’m on tumblr. Or trying to figure out what song is playing on this mix. Basically, whatever isn’t what I’m supposed to be doing. I used to say I never went to school because I couldn’t handle exactly this. Forcing myself to stick to something and finish it. Now I realise I should have forced myself to get used to the idea. It’s one thing to be perfect under pressure. The ultimate debugger/fixer. But if I can’t stop, breathe, and think… I’m so fucked. But that’s exactly the kind of attitude I have to avoid. No more bad vibes. No more thinking I can’t and just accepting it. I can do this. It won’t be easy, oh fuck no, it’s going to be miserable. But the payoff, oh my god.

Back to work.

Afrojack & R3hab - Prutataaa (Dada Life Remix)

Thu, 09 Feb 2012 20:38:53 -0500

Afrojack & R3hab - Prutataaa (Dada Life Remix)

Talk the Talk

Thu, 09 Feb 2012 17:17:19 -0500

Talk the Talk