So apparently when I cleared my history on Firefox it finally recognized the fact I’d put in a redirect for tumblr. It had worked in chrome, safari, opera and ie, but of course not the browser I used the most for development. Anyway, point being I’m no longer gonna be posting much during the day. And since I pretty much only post during the day at work, I might just abandon tumblr altogether. I notice I’m internalizing most of what I write here now. I don’t need to slow my brain down as much to realise I’m making bad decisions, following the wrong path. And not being able to write things down actually makes me wonder if it even matters. I mean, if I need to talk about something, there’s always someone I can talk to. It took me a long long long time to change the belief that I’m alone, to even see that I make myself alone, but I did. And if I really don’t need to talk about it that badly, then maybe it’s really not important and I shouldn’t be over thinking it in the first place. Not to mention, less distraction means accomplishing more work, which is its own reward.

Anyway, Sunday morning was the first time I’ve ever gone out with a girl with the explicit plan of dancing. I was so fucking nervous, worried I’d look stupid, but that was just the fear of the unknown. Although I’d only been twice before, it was definitely the best time I ever had. I danced more and took less drugs than usual. On top of that, I usually wake up Monday in extreme pain, but I feel barely any discomfort today. Although lack of physical pain has made it a lot easier to notice that while I am awake, I’m not really all here. Time is definitely moving slowly, and wires are crossed in my brain, nothing big, just annoying as I’m having trouble with simple tasks.

Oh well.

Tags: me