There’s more than one side in this. I don’t want a relationship in the sense that I want to be sure of my decision next time because I’ve fucked up so royally before. But that’s not to say I don’t want to be loved. To be a part of something larger than I am. The thing is I can barely handle one new person in my life at a time. One. Barely. Even that’s a mind fuck because I’ve always been alone. Living with my parents I was alone. B lived in a different city, I saw her every weekend or second weekend. Me and Drixel spent more time apart than together, it just spanned a ridiculously long time. I am a solitary person. It’s the worst possible state to be in, but I’ve learned how to handle it much better than I ever learned how to let another person inside my head. Inside my heart. The idea literally fills me with panic. I become unhinged. So no, I don’t want a relationship because a relationship is with a person, and her friends, and her parents, and her whole fucking life. I fucked up my relationships because I could not handle exactly those things. I could love someone completely and totally as long as it’s just me and her against the world, but go outside those doors and I’m a fucking wreck.
I don’t think I’ve ever been this honest about it.
Fuck, now I want to cry. Scratch that. Am crying.
This has been a terrible fucking day.
