January 2012
284 posts
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Why does doing the right thing feel so god damn terrible. I can only hope it gets easier with time.
December 2011
380 posts
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Can’t sleep, had someone else’s words bouncing around my head keeping me up. I guess I’ll just have to do a lot of drugs tonight.
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I think I just played Skyrim for like 5 straight hours. I’m kind of a loser. S’okay though, Stereo for New Years tonight. I am so fucking excited, and by that I mean I’m dreading it, and by that I mean I am so fucking excited. I’m gonna go to bed now, get some rest, save up my energy.
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you'd do good, to move on, no it won't, it won't...
It’s easier to lie. To pretend I don’t care. That I’m not hurt. I keep wanting to act that way here and that’s confusing the shit out of me. I have to put other people out of my mind. Otherwise this becomes an act in justification, which although very similar, is not the real intent. You may have to justify yourself to other people, but you never ever ever have to justify...
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Me: Hi, can I get a pickup at 7566.
Dispatcher: Sure
Me: Cool, thanks, bye
Dispatcher: You want to tell me the street?
Me: What?
Dispatcher: The street 7566 is on?
Me: Oh, right, yeah
I remember distinctly saying I didn’t want to get too fucked up tonight. I wonder what happened with that.
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Called it. If it wasn’t for Fitch getting his ass handed to him I would have had a perfect night. It’s all about the stats.
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Overeem for the win. That’s my guess.
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I’m so drunk right now. Got into a huge fight with one of my male “friends”, things got really heated. Still I managed to keep my head, not get angry even though I wanted to. Things seem to be ok now, we calmed down enough to work through it. I’m somewhat proud of that, all things considered.
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Ok now I get it, that makes more sense. I feel a little less responsible now. Still, why did I feel the need to investigate? Why do I have so much trouble letting go. Too much curiosity I guess.
Too much champagne and vodka too. I’m feeling depressed and alone instead of mellow. I hate alcohol.
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Fuck, why is this upsetting me so much. It’s exactly what I need, clean break, rip the band aid off.
Actually, why am I even questioning why I’m so upset, of course I’m upset. It wouldn’t be normal if I wasn’t upset. I think I have this wall up but I don’t, it’s just a momentary burst of anger and then I’m all fucked up afterwards. Losing anyone...
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She deleted her journal. I was really sad about it at first, that she would feel the need to keep me that at bay, but then I remember her saying it was her journal for her, for her friends, so why even go. It’s this kind of constant changing of opinions that makes me wary. Still I am sad, I knew our friendship was over once she stopped following me and created a new personal journal. She...
betterindefeat asked: Hi, look there is this guy that has a blog is tumblr/communismkills .. He dosent know shit please help me prove him wrong.. He is talkig shit about che guevara and the communism
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It’s funny that no matter how much changes, things more or less stay the same. It sounds trite but it shows me in one more way that it’s all about perception, all about the pattern. I can change all the outside factors, change all the players, but the underlying story is going to be exactly the same if I don’t start feeling things differently.
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So I brought my watch in to be resized again cause it was still too loose. In the process the fucker broke one of the links. I’m not too upset because that’s what I get for buying a ceramic watch, but now I have to come back on Monday to see someone who has a special tool so we can swap one of the other links. I so badly wanted to tell him there was already a special tool right in...
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That was such a good workout. Combined with the fact I’ve been smoking less I’m starting to feel somewhat normal again. I certainly feel a thousand times better than last Friday. Granted it wasn’t just the weed, I know that, I use it as an excuse but the reality is I’ve been going numb since long before I ever tried a single drug. No word of a lie, I was an incredibly late...
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“Shoot, coward, you are only going to kill a man.”
– Che
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I want to be sad but my head won’t let me. It still thinks that emotion is reserved for the weak and the incapable. I can’t seem to make it understand that sadness is about letting go of the past, not about missing it, not about changing it, not about holding onto it. It’s about letting go.
Why do I feel some pretty powerful deja-vu right now? I feel like I’ve written this...
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This place is not my real life. My real life is linear. This is an outlet. I’ve been doing it for around ten years in various different places. From time to time I go back, read things I said in the past. I feel like I’m broken now, but I was a lot more unhinged before. Full of hatred and no filter whatsoever. My writing was less fine tuning and more mental dump. A letting go of at...
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“Every addiction was just a way to treat this same problem. Drugs or overeating...”
– Chuck Palahniuk ~ Choke
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I tried to write a post that wasn’t about me. Just about an opinion I had. On books, and then on tv, and then on some other things. It was all about over-framing and… whatever, I got super self-conscious and deleted it. I can share my inner most secrets, but not my opinions. I guess cause I want to share my opinion and I don’t want to share my secrets. I’m so incredibly...
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My therapist enjoys telling me that love and hate aren’t opposites. That they’re actually two sides of the same coin. That the real opposite is indifference. That’s me, indifferent. Locked down so tight in the hopes I never hate again, that I’ll never let myself love again. But that makes me sad, and that’s one or maybe several steps up from indifference. I know...
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“I opened myself to the gentle indifference of the world. Finding it so much like...”
– Albert Camus, The Stranger (via greenfurious)
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¡viva la revolucion!
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When did patriotism become xenophobia? I mean you’re supposed to share how great your country is, not force people to see things your way. Who knows, in the process you might learn something new, something others do better than your own culture or society. Something that will make you all stronger together.
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All I wanted more than anything in the world was a friend. Someone I could be completely honest with, who would listen to me and let me listen to them. Who wouldn’t bring in drama or complication, just a sympathetic ear and the occasional shoulder. The idea was so much more appealing to me than a relationship ever could be, because relationships always end sooner or later. And let’s...
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I remember how angry you were, that I wanted one thing and you wanted another. You kept telling me how hurt you were, that what you gave me wasn’t enough, that I should be so selfish to want more. I never understood how that made any sense till now.
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Just because someone says you’re awesome doesn’t mean they want you, but just because they don’t want you doesn’t mean they don’t think you’re awesome. More importantly, the one person who should always think you’re amazing and wonderful and can do anything is yourself. We fall apart, lose our composure, get drunk, get high, cry, break shit, scream, fuck...
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And now I’m not. Meh. Tomorrow’s another day.
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I’m sad. About fucking time.
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Oh oh oh, and I forgot about this. So I get back from the gym and notice there’s a package in my mailbox and all I can think is it must be a t-shirt cause what else do I order constantly online and forget about? But of course it’s not for me, cause two thirds of the mail that comes here isn’t for me. The first year I sent everything back, return to sender, this person has moved,...
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Holy jesus fuck is my head clear. I’ve kinda been insane the last few days, haven’t I? I forget there’s a difference between mellow and that fucked up paranoid everyone’s out to get me state that happens when you just don’t stop getting high. I made every thing way the fuck too personal instead of just letting things slide. I have to stop trying to explain myself as...
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Wow, when I joked to my friend that Skyrim sounded like crack I was kidding, but damn was I right. You just get sucked into it, before you know it you’re playing for hours. Such a terrible purchase, but on the upside, at least I’m not high. I don’t remember not being high since last Thursday night. I’ve kinda been in hell, but I guess I’m coming out of it. Who knows...
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Took another walk, froze my ears, cleaned out my brain. Thought about the last year, all the fucked up girls. First there was Nat, who teased me relentlessly, took care of me, and then did a total 180 just cause I said I cared about her. Then Drixel, who told me she was ready (again) that nothing would get in our way (again) then left as soon as she took the comfort she needed from me. I’ve...