May 2012
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After two hours in the park I no longer have any desire to work. I wish this day was over already.
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Can’t. Keep. Eyes. Open. -_-
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Tmi ;)
bendezdrowa:
Best sex of my life, holy shit. At one point I remember saying “This is so hot, I wish I was recording it.”
This combined with going to the gym before work and then running after work, holy fucking shite am I tired. At the same time I feel so good though, my body no longer feels like a useless sack of crap I’m lugging around all day.
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Of course I should also realise that every time I notice I’ve been doing something wrong by finally doing it right my first reaction is to be hard on myself for the mistakes instead of being proud of myself for changing. More than anything I need to break this cycle but I feel so incredibly wrong when I support myself. I feel dirty and selfish for thinking anything I do is right when...
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As much as I worry about my own social ineptitude there’s often moments where I watch other people and realise I have it so good it’s almost not fair. This usually leads to happiness that’s slowly overwhelmed by sadness. Happiness to realise my life’s really not that bad, that I’m doing ok, but then sadness because it makes it that much clearer that all my problems...
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So I’m walking to the grocery store after work and out of the corner of my eye I see someone I know. In fact someone I knew for 10 years, who was once my best friend, who I lived with for 2 months before his stupidity forced me to move out. I’ve talked to him randomly in the few years since then, and every time it’s always the same bullshit, so having my sunglasses on I just...
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The more I learn about the protests the more disgusted I am by the protestors. No one getting a financial, mathematical, engineering or law degree is protesting, it’s only the liberal arts groups that are unhappy. If I’d have to guess I’d say it’s cause they don’t have a clue how finances work or how fucked up the Quebec financial system is right now. Instead they...
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I feel physically tired but mentally alert. I guess this is what happens when I stop being a lazy bastard. I might skip running tonight though, my legs are sore and I really want to go to the gym tomorrow morning. I need to balance this out a bit so I build muscles and cardio.
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I wish I could go back to a time before my fear became so rampant I could enjoy the idea of not knowing something. When every unknown was a challenge I wanted to overcome instead of something that might prove I’m the failure I think I am.
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Being as close to finished on this project as I am, I just realised I have next to nothing to do for the next 6 weeks. This should be interesting as fuck.
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So that was one hell of a tiring weekend. I skipped the gym last Thursday morning because I was exhausted and could barely move. Yet by Friday I was regretting it, I was feeling sluggish and depressed and I realised I had to force myself to do some sort of activity. So right after work I took off to the park and ran for as long as I could. Let me tell you, it wasn’t very long, but during I...
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If I think about all the things I’ve done in the last year that I could never do before I’d have to admit I’m really not the same person at all, that I’ve evolved considerably. Yet I still feel like a miserable loser most of the time. My brain still relentlessly reminds me of all the things I still haven’t done, haven’t accomplished, haven’t succeeded at....
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I’m getting excited again to work for myself. I keep going between that and being terrified I’m making a mistake. I just have to keep reminding myself it’s just money, there’s so many ways to make more money if I have to. The only thing that’s important is taking control of my future. To go back to my roots, to research and develop, to expand my knowledge.
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It really sucks that Community is finished.
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It’s bad enough that when I they won’t let me do things myself I have to wait forever, but how come even when I can do it myself, and they’ll let me, I still have to wait fucking forever just to get access? It’s as if no one here wants problems to be fixed. God forbid, then the company might be able to fire half the people and actually be productive again. You know, like we...
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So once again I didn’t get my bonus and now I’m getting hours taken off my paycheck for sick days I didn’t take. Fucking awesome. Fuck this place.
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Went to the gym again this morning. D came with. We didn’t really workout together, but it was nice having her there, knowing we have similar goals, that we’re going to help each other achieve them. Not just working out but supporting each other in all things.
Still can’t get over this beautiful weather we’re having, I really hope it does last the next two weeks.
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What a great weekend. Not only did I complete my routine Thursday morning, but I went dancing Friday night with D, went to the gym again Sunday morning, then took a long ass walk around Montreal with D Sunday afternoon. The whole weekend was sunny and warm, today too, me and some colleagues went to the park for lunch. It’s almost like being reborn, I feel like a totally different person when...
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I’ll never understand. When I gave a shit I was considered a bad employee. Now that I couldn’t care less I’m told I’m being told my management style is better. I guess the lesson here is don’t try or care because no one wants the extra work.
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I have zero desire to work today. I’m so fucking tired. I’ve kinda lost motivation for this project again. I’m not sure why, I keep going back and forth with it. I guess the problem is that I’m trying to make a tool that will make everyone happy, but that’s impossible. Usually people adapt to a program they have to use, but when they know they can have exactly what...
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I’m trying to find some SHM stuff but Beatport has next to none and I refuse to use iTunes. Does anyone know any other sites where you can buy house music?
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Most of my problems stem from the fact that I can’t understand or accept the idea that someone could love me.
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erry day i'm shufflin' shufflin' →
I could watch this all day. That one pigeon waving his wings back and forth kills me.
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I wish I could say I was conflicted but I’m not. I fell into a place where the overriding goal to all things is “protect yourself”. I know logically there’s nothing to be worried about, that I’m fine, that I’m safe, but I can’t seem to break out of this pattern because it’s so deeply ingrained in me. I am no longer a rationale human being haunted by...
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Fuck it, I bought it. Who can say no to Cthulhu?
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