I am barely keeping it together. I am stone faced but underneath I am lost. I can barely pay attention to things people are asking me. I want to no longer exist.

Not even 4 weeks and she's already dating. I knew I meant nothing to her. I guess that's why she refused to commit for 5 years. I was just a thing that could be replaced.

I've never felt so terrible in my entire life.

Existing is tough.

What hurts the worst though is still the jealousy. I wanted her to love me. Her and only her. I wanted to spend my life with her. 95% of any given day was dedicated to her and to making our relationship better. Even after she left me... even right fucking now, she's all of my thoughts. So how could she be jealous, how could she accuse me of wanting anyone else? How could she be so blind to who I am?

It just hurts so much realising that no one is ever going to fight for me. She always gave up at the drop of a hat. I was only worth keeping around when I did everything she asked and asked for nothing. I wasn't allowed to want anything myself. I just have to keep reminding myself of that, no matter how much I miss her, no matter how devastated I am, she was never going to see me. She was only interested in loving me the way she wanted to be loved. She wasn't interested in my individuality. I was supposed to conform to her every desire or she wanted to be alone. That's not love. That's taking.

But I can't really blame anyone but myself. I kept giving, and giving, and giving. Every time she told me she couldn't be there for me unless I gave her what she wanted. So I'd dig deep and give even more until I was at bottom again with nothing more to give. And I would beg her to show me some sign she loved me, some reason for me to keep giving everything I had. But instead she'd always leave me. Run away again when I was at my worst. She hurt me so many times and never made the effort to genuinely apologise or show me that she wanted me around.

All she had to do was try. Just try. Show me I'm worth the effort. But I wasn't.

I'm drowning.

Just got terrible news and my first thought is still to share it with her. I'm so tired of having to remind myself she wouldn't care. She had five years to get to know me, to support the real me, and she wasn't interested. She was so happy that I knew her so well, but who I was didn't matter as long as I kept taking care of her.

I am completely alone. I hope I die in my sleep tonight. I can't face another day.

She's still the first thing I think of when I wake up.

I couldn't get myself not to walk by her work. Then I spent an hour in therapy crying.

If she couldn't see the real me then no one ever will. I'm going to be invisible my entire life and I'd rather not be here for it anymore.

I keep seeing things and thinking "I have to let her know about this" and then I remember, and my heart breaks all over again.

I am beyond sad.

The difference between a good person and a bad person isn't the mistakes they make. The difference is in how they behave after the mistake is made. A good person seeks to make amends, they focus on supporting the people they've hurt. A bad person tries to elicit sympathy by self-punishing and maintaining focus on themselves instead of others. Any person who tries to make you feel bad through guilt and self harm after they've screwed up is a selfish and toxic person.