Why wasn't I ever enough? I so badly wanted to be enough for you but I never was. And now I never will be. And I can't stop crying. I told you when I first met you I wasn't any good in a relationship. But I tried so damn hard for you. I gave everything I had every day. I wasn't perfect. Far from it. But I gave my all every day and it wasn't nearly enough.

2017-12-14

I am so heartbroken. I can't stop crying again. God I fucking miss you. I'd rather have you in front of me screaming at me than this silence. At least then I'd know what to do to fix things. At least then I could hug you when you were done. I wish you had yelled more, been more angry, instead of keeping it all inside where I couldn't see it or do anything about it.

2017-12-14

I missed your leg cutting toe nails. I miss your vericose veins. Your stretch marks. The scars on your chest. How you would break out on your back. I miss the fine hairs on your face. I loved you through and through, all of you. I never broke you. You retreated into your head, refused to share your worries with me, and convinced yourself I didn't love you. If you had stopped to pay attention, if you had seen me, you would have seen a man who would give his life for yours. Instead you just saw a mirror of your own pain and decided I was the reason for that pain. And I shouldn't have to apologise for being hurt and upset by that. For being invisible when all I did was love you.

2017-12-14

I'm so tired of crying. I miss you so much.

2017-12-14

I picked the wrong fucking week to quit smoking.

2017-12-13

Fuck I miss you so much. You know you love me or you wouldn't be so upset by anything I say. You know you still want me or you'd have moved on and stopped checking up on me. You need me as much as I need you. Why can't you just come back. I would do anything to have you back. I need you and love you with all my heart. I'm drowning all over again now that I know you still care.

2017-12-13

i am, tainted
and happiness and peace of mind
were never meant for me

2017-12-13

Do you even have any idea how much work it was to convince myself you don't care? Do you think I really believe it? You think I'm not aware you still love me? Did you ever consider maybe I have to push myself to believe the lie, that you're gone, just to move on? You have everything, a partner, friends, family, a future. I have nothing and now I'm going to fall apart again during the holidays and the chances of me succumbing to that sadness and loneliness and committing suicide just became that much more likely. I mean what's more important, that I keep loving you, stay stuck, and end up dead, or that I hate you and I keep living? Why do you even care how I see you when you don't even want me, when I'm not even worth the effort to keep me as a friend? Why is your ego more important than my life? But hey, literally all I have left to give you is my death, so maybe that's what you want. You took everything else from me why not spend your life knowing someone loved you so much they died over it? Maybe then you'll be happy. Maybe then you'll really believe that you meant everything to me.

2017-12-13

Stuck again. Two weeks of progress down the drain.

2017-12-12

I love you and miss you, but if you're not willing to do what is necessary to keep me in your life so we can have a real conversation, then as far as I'm concerned I am nothing to you. And if I'm nothing to you then I am grieving the loss. And whatever I need to do to survive that grief, the literal worst pain I have ever felt in my life, is my right. Especially on my own blog. No one is forcing you to read this. No one is forcing you to check my instagram.

If you don't want me and you care, then leave me alone. And if you want me in your life you know what you need to do to make that happen. I love you D, you know I'd do anything to fix things between us, but I can't fix it by myself, so all I can do is fall apart and grieve.

2017-12-12

breeze still carries the sound
maybe i'll disappear
tracks will fade in the snow
you won't find me here

ice is starting to form
ending what had begun
i am locked in my head
with what i've done

i know you tried to rescue me
didn't let anyone get in
left with a trace of all that was
and all that could have been

please, take this
and run far away
far away from me

i am, tainted
the two of us
were never meant to be

all these, pieces
and promises and left behinds
if only i could see

in my, nothing
you meant everything
everything to me

gone, fading, everything
and, all that, could have been
ah, could have been

please, take this
and run far away
far as you can see

i am, tainted
and happiness and peace of mind
were never meant for me

all these, pieces
and promises and left behinds
if only i could see

in my, nothing
you meant everything
everything to me

2017-11-12

I love you. I will wait. Forever.

2018-10-31