The Art of Emptiness

Butch Clancy f/ Amy K - Far Away From Me

hold on, hold on, don’t you leave me alone
already gone, you’ve slipped inside yourself
i could give up and let your troubles have you
it’s hard to love the stranger you’ve turned into
oh, it takes you to another place
oh, it takes you far away from me
why do you go if i can’t follow
i hate to watch you fall apart
oh, why must you be this hurt and alone
oh, you know it breaks my heart

and we don’t need nobody, cause we go ladi dadi

This is the last post in the queue, which means this is the end of this blog. I wanted to turn it into something positive but now it’s just a constant reminder of failure. I opened up in a way I never had before, and it still wasn’t enough. The harder I tried, the more she pushed me away. I offered endless support but she’d rather get it from strangers. I can’t remember the last time someone made me feel so insignificant, so ashamed that I cared so much.

I feel lost, I have no focus or drive right now. The voice in my head wants me to give up. The idea of being positive seems pointless in the face of constant failure. All I know is being mediocre. I just want to sit here getting high and drunk until I feel nothing, until I don’t care anymore.

Maybe in a few days when this gets posted things will have changed for the better, or maybe they won’t. It’ll be up to me to make the decision to keep going or to finally give up. I have to do it for myself and no one else, as each and every one of us must. I don’t have the right to tell anyone what is and isn’t the right way to live, and I don’t want anyone in my head anymore. All I can be now is a thought experiment, forever Schrödinger’s cat.