I'm tired of hiding my shame, of what was done to me. It's all on facebook now.

i used to see beauty in people
but now i see muscle and bones
you know i never wanted to hurt you
but i'm sorry, my friend, this is the end
so i'm saying my goodbyes
goodbye to my good side
it only ever got me hurt
and i finally learned
it's a cruel, cruel world
it's a cruel, cruel world

I'll never be able to understand how she could treat me the way she did. How she could be so hurtful and not even be able to see it. Did I deserve it? Did I ask for it? How do I ever trust anyone again?

My heart is so broken. I wish I could just die. It would be better than this never ending constant pain.

I wanted to ask her to marry me. I was going to ask her dad for her hand and her mom to help me find the perfect ring. I was going to do it at Christmas. I was anxious as fuck and I couldn't stop smoking and then we got into that horrible conversation where they told us not to get married. Everyone laughed while I died inside. But then I thought, fuck it, she wants to marry me, who cares what they think. And then she sat me down and told me she didn't want to get married and the bottom fell out of my mind. She didn't want to move with me. She didn't want to marry me. She broke my heart and maybe that was the point where I should have walked away and never looked back. I should have just given up. But I didn't. I kept hoping she'd change her mind. But instead she just lied to me more and more, and maniuplated me more and more and broke me until I was as miserable and defeated as she was. I wanted to spend my life with her and she destroyed me for it. She became toxic and I just stood around watching it happen cause my heart was too broken to do anything. Even when it wasn't she'd just make me feel guilty for feeling good about anything that wasn't her. She hated me because she thought I took something away from her and all the while she had no idea she was the one who took it from me. Took everything from me. I actually liked myself before I met her. Now I hate myself. I'm broken and she made it so obvious I can't ignore it anymore. For me to love that, to think selflessly loving that, was good, honorable. I'm an idiot. I gave my heart to someone who thought lying to me constantly was some sign of love. Who betrayed me to people who knew me. Who manipulated me through my mental illness. I am broken to think that was love. I have no place in this world. I don't belong.

I loved her so much. With everything I had. I still love her. I'll love her for the rest of my life.

I knew when she equated lying to him as love that she was poison. That she had done the same thing to me the whole time. From that first lie that she was a lesbian. When she never did any of the things she wrote in her letters. She's a liar, someone pretending to be something she'll never be because she doesn't have the emotional capability. Yet. I am so much better off now that her poison is finally leaving my mind. But I am also so ashamed that I was so down I let her use and abuse me like that. I don't know how to forgive myself. Do I really hate myself that much?

I wish I was selfish enough to kill myself. I can't stand this pain. I'm so tired of throwing up from crying so hard. I can't stand realising I love someone who was a mysoginistic coward. I wanted a feminist partner. How did I become this person. I feel dirty. I can't stand myself. I just want to die.

She had me so convinced I was the villain. I used an old trick to keep my worst thoughts in a safe place so that I could ACT accordingly. I did eveything I could to be there for her and put her first but she just kept judging me on my thoughts and not my actions. Thoughts I was going to therapy for. Thoughts that were put into me and that I desperately wanted to change. That I am still trying to change. My therapist kept telling me that somehow she could just sense how I felt and so I tried even harder. Again and again and again I dug deeper until I had nothing left to give and she just kept treating me worse. And no surprise, because if you invade someone's private thoughts wihout them knowing they're going to feel crazy. And in my case I just wrote that down like I always had. And she used it against me. And I got more frustrated. She judged me based on the shit she was doing to me, and always in the dark. She didn't have the courgae to confront me, or have the decency to judge me by my actions, instead she manipulated me for months and broke me down into nothing. She made me feel so bad about my mental illness I would have done anything for her, to make her accept the flawed and broken person I was. I spent so much time forgiving her but now it's impossible not to see her as evil. I wish I could forgive myself for still loving her but I can't. How could I have loved someone who treated me like I wasn't human. Even my parents were never that cruel to me. No one ever was. She is the worst thing that ever happened to me and I still love her. I hate myself more than anyone can understand and I feel so alone all I want to do is die.

I am stuck between not wanting to hurt or disappoint anyone and the fact that i want to die.

Literally everyone told me to leave her, that she was abusive and I deserved better, but I defended her vehemently. I wouldn't let a single person say anything bad about her and I'd cut them out if they did. And the entire time she was badmouthing me to everyone she met. Sharing my personal thoughts with people who didn't even know me. I can't imagine anyone doing anything more repulsive. She wasn't my partner, she just used me and threw me away when she was done. No one in my life has ever betrayed me so completely. She broke me, made it impossible for me to trust another person ever again. I don't know how to live in this world anymore because of the abuse she put me through. I hope karma is real and that she suffers for the rest of her life for her actions.

I have changed everything about myself over the last few months but nothing changes how I feel about her. I am drowning.

I still dream about us moving to Europe. And then moving her parents there. And travelling the world. Why did she have to be so afraid? I miss her every day.

I would be better off dead. I'm alone in this world. No one will miss me. No one will even care.

My heart is completely broken. Nothing in this world makes me feel better. She is the only one who can make this pain go away. But she is the one who caused this pain. I love her with everything I am and she repaid that love by manipulating me. Gaslighting me. Letting me think I was crazy instead of just communicating with me. She broke me beyond healing. I would be better off dead.

I miss her constantly. I'm so tired of crying.

Yesterday this faceless, postless, followerless instagram liked two pretty personal posts. The name looked eastern european so I looked it up. Turns out it meant pickle in Polish. I burst into tears on the street when the translation came up. I can't do this anymore. The universe wants me to hurt so I give up. So I give up.

I want out. She has my heart and no matter how much I tell myself she didn't deserve it or that I want it back, it's not doable. I made a choice. With every fibre of my being I made a choice and pushed myself completely into it. She's my everything. No amount of logic or reason changes how I feel. She has my heart, and I'm empty without it. I feel nothing about anything. Fearless, sure, but it's worthless without joy. Without her smile.

I wish I had the selfishness necessary to kill myself.

I don't know how to keep going. I'm doing everything right, but I just keep feeling worse. I feel so empty.

but i'm a creep, i'm a weirdo
what the hell am i doing here?
i don't belong here

I thought she was my best friend. But she didn't even fight to be my friend. I was tossed aside like garbage. How do I still love someone so much who treated me like dirt? I don't understand how I can still have so much love inside me. I wish I could just close my eyes and drift away from all this pain.

I keep thinking if I do more I'll feel better but I just keep feeling worse. Everything I do I wish she was there. All I ever wanted to do was enjoy life with her but she was always too tired, always sleeping in. I should feel like I'm better off because I can do whatever I want without her guilting me for going out without her. And yet I would do absolutely anything just to sit on that couch and cuddle with her and do nothing else. It is impossible to feel any joy or happiness without her. All I do anymore is cry. At work. In the metro. By myself. All I want is her back and she doesn't want me at all. To me she is all. To her I am nothing. How did I end up here? Why did I keep giving when it was so clear she didn't love me? What kind of idiot am I that I just kept giving until I couldn't turn back anymore? How terrible it is to be human when someone can take everything you have to give without loving you back and somehow you still love them. I guess I really did make a choice, and it was her, and I'm going to be in pain for the rest of my life because it was the wrong choice. It's no wonder I want to die.

Will keeps eating oatmeal in the morning. Every time I smell it I have to fight back tears. I miss buying it for her. I miss taking care of her. Somehow I still love her with all my heart.

I miss her every single day. My heart is never going to heal.

Almost five months. Will the pain ever stop? Will I ever stop crying? I tried harder and went further than I ever have for anyone. For her. I went through hell. For her. She was my everything.